Posted by: Jim E | August 26, 2010

Colonoscopy…And Buttermilk Pancakes…mmm…

Oh, the last few days have been taken up with Matt Green getting to his destination…Rockaway Beach, Oregon…and he made it…but I must put it in its proper place…while he was close to his goal and then made it…I was preparing for my Colonoscopy…I put a capital “C” on it for good reason…so let me take your mind off Matt Green for a minute or two…

My doctor in Minneapolis, we called an internist…and I suppose there is such a thing…but what he really was is a gastroenterologist…when I went to him the first time I found out his expertise is proctology, sigmoidoscopy and the granddaddy of all, the colonoscopy…so over the years we became very, very close friends, so to speak…

But we are now living in Arkansas and I have a new family doctor and he said it was time for me to have another colonoscopy…now I have had two in my life and they usually say you should have them about 5 to 10 years apart…there is good reason for that…that much time between helps you forget what it is like …but the doctor again explained in very thoughtful tones what he will do….but all you can really hear is, “He is going to stick a tube 15 feet up your rear end!!!”…

The problem with this whole thing is it doesn’t happen right away…so you are worried about it for the next week or so…but in between you have to plan for your “Prep Day” (that was yesterday)…and being me, I follow direction to the letter…I didn’t eat any solid food that day…Jello, clear liquids like apple juice, etc…most don’t taste as good as a good glass of cold water…

Then at 4:00 I took MoviPrep…you mix two packets of powder and lukewarm water in a one liter plastic jug…you fill it to the top…I am not clear about the metric system…but I believe a liter is about 15 gallons (you will notice it is a gallon for every foot of tube up your you-know-what)…then you have to drink the whole jug…it  tastes sort of like a mixture of pond scum and toilet cleaner, with some other taste I would rather not describe…

There are lots of stories both true and untrue about a colonoscopy…there is one that says that your colon is as long as you are tall…now, I am 6’5″…if that doesn’t give you pause nothing will…the colon is a very long organ that appears to be all over the place…briefly passing through Denver…

With that in mind I reread the directions for MoviPrep…down at the very bottom of the page is a very cute statement that says, the hour after you drink it “a loose watery bowel movement may result”…in the world of writing directions…that is called “an understatement”…

This is a strong laxative…not to gross you out but the space shuttle comes to mind…you are moving very quickly to and from the toilet with the violent explosions that accompany this “Prep Day”…and after you think you are all “cleaned out”…you have to drink another liter of this explosive stuff…making that evening a very moving experience…

Today we arrived at the clinic at 6:30 a.m….we signed all the necessary papers waiving all my rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of, etc…the nurse took me to “the room”…curtains pulled around a gurney…she said, “Take off all your clothes, and put this on.”…”this” was one of those gowns that was open in the back…she said, “Let me see if I have a big one.” (they never do by the way)…being I am 6’5″ and bigger than the average bear, there was no hope of that…she brought me one as big as they had…it covered my shoulders…but the rest, well, does “naked as a jaybird” mean anything to you…by that time, all dignity had already been put aside…

The nurse had to move the gurney up a foot or two…so she asked me to get up so she could pump it up…about that time visitors were passing through “the room”…the curtain not pulled…but my backside was “hanging out”…I think it was a group of elementary students or something…I’m sure on a field trip…parents, teachers, kids…all pointing at this man in the “mini gown” putting on a show of some kind…I had an i.v. in my arm…blood pressure cuff…”oxygen checker thingy” and other medical looking devices all over me…they all thought this was good theater…

Now into the procedure room…there the nurse and doctor were waiting…I didn’t see the 15 foot tube…they hide them somewhere…(they don’t like it if you faint)…the meds began and you know, I don’t remember a thing…well, we talked some at times…but I didn’t care what was going on…that stuff they give you does that…I wish I had that at tax time…the next thing I knew we were in recovery…all over…my colon was clear as a bell, so to speak…

I hadn’t eaten in about two days…so though I couldn’t drive yet…Judie, Jeremy and I went to breakfast…a stack of pancakes…Cracker Barrel’s best…so good…and after that couple of days…all I can say is: “Well, I did it again.”…

Matt Green…well, I guess I’ll think about him again…after the Colonoscopy and Buttermilk Pancakes wear off…
(kudos to Dave Berry)

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Responses

  1. Hospital gowns give a whole new meaning to ICU! My husband is 6’4″ and was hospitalized last winter with pneumonia as a result of swine flu. Don’t let anyone tell you that “old” people cannot get it.

    I’m sure your’re glad that is over and done with for another few years. I was able to eat orange popsicles for my last one. That got me through the prep.

    I have enjoyed seeing Matt run to the “ocian” and I should have joined the pool. Yesterday was my birthday and I might have won! Oh well, I still won….. my husband gave me an iPad. I’m still learning how to use it since it is a cross between my iPhone and MacBook. I’m sure I’m going to love it.

    Know you enjoyed the pancakes. Cracker Barrel is a favorite of ours, too. Take care.

    • You are an absolute hoot! Don’t know how many people could get so many laughs…chuckles…heehaws…oh-my-goodness-I’m-going-to-snort…laughs from someone’s “C”.

      You Rock!
      Mary

  2. Glad to hear that everything is o.k. I lost a cousin to colon cancer==so I know how important this is.
    To bad they don’t have a “Perkins” in Arkansas.

  3. Let me add my “glad it all went well” too! Sounds like an ordeal with a good outcome. Those pancakes look fantastic….living in Greece, we would never find a restaurant with good old buttermilk pancakes with butter on top! We do make them at home, but I miss going out for Sunday breakfast and getting pancakes or waffles. We go to the States this fall, so I will be able to indulge my desires!

    It was really fun to watch Matt walk….into the ocian. I wonder if there is any kind of followup? Like when he was returning to NY, etc. I didn’t say it during the walk, but Roger Berg, who designed and donated the “Mattmobile” is a friend of ours. So we did hear about Matt’s stay with them and his plans for his walk into Rockaway. Pretty exciting months for everyone, huh? I wonder where he is now?

    Take care, Jim…
    Karin on Paros


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